A Royal Gift of Beans
Author: Jorus Q Merrill
Original post: https://pastebin.com/x0kuJLcZ
Entry for the YC119 Pod and Planet Fiction Contest in the Other Things Just Make You Sweat and Curse category.
Prizes: Other Things Just Make You Swear and Curse 1nd Prize
To your most estimable Majesty, greetings.
I have the pleasure and honor of representing the noble race and monarchy of the Fedo in diplomatic affairs. His Majesty, King Ra the Turbulent, from his hidden throne deep in uncharted space, sends me to your court as an envoy of peace and fellowship. I, as sole custodian of the techniques which permit translation between our species, bring his personal greetings to your Majesty. Alas, the idiom does not translate directly, but I shall relay his hope that your bodily functions remain healthful and wholesome.
In token of His Majesty's good wishes toward your throne, I am entrusted with a secret which will enable more frequent and fulsome communications between Humans and Fedo. By using this technique, merely consuming the preserved legumes, any Human may begin to communicate as the Fedo communicate. They are patient, wise, and above all appreciative of our nascent efforts to make ourselves understood. As your Majesty is no doubt aware, the noble Fedo do not naturally possess the senses of hearing and sight. They are, however, blessed with a keen faculty for scent, whereby their talent for pheromonal manipulation grants them a richness of sensory and communicative abilities. I have breathed deep of their wisdom, and would share this gift with your Majesty's people even were it not my gratifying task to do so.
Lest you believe his Majesty's largesse to focus overmuch on actions which your Majesty may deign to take, know this. Through my academic connections and my own ingenuity, I have provided the Fedo with a variant of capsuleer technology. A Fedo, as your Majesty is aware, masses considerably less than an adult Human, leaving room in a hydrostatic capsule for certain nutritive and translative systems. Even now, the first Fedo capsuleers experience sight and hearing, in an allegorical way, through the sensors of Amarr starships. My own poor finances limit such experiments, but soon the weighty volume of trade between our noble peoples - his Majesty flatters me by considering me both Human and Fedo - shall rectify any shortfall. The Fedo shall present themselves to New Eden as true peers and partners, much as they now present themselves to you.
I convey, also, his Majesty's hope that the legumes, which enable humans to communicate in the Fedo manner, are to your Majesty's liking. His Majesty has oft observed that Humans suffer from tragic limitations in selecting palatable and digestible foodstuffs. I'm all good will, I present to your illustrious court a variety of biochemicals which enable Humans such as my humble self to subsist as the Fedo do. These substances have long sustained me in the homes and halls of that noble race. The Fedo have opened to me a breadth of sensory experience beyond Human understanding. I and my newfound Fedo brethren would share such joys with you.
In closing, his Majesty Ra the Turbulent, King of the Fedo, offers his personal thanks to your Majesty. He deeply appreciates that the market registries of the Amarr Empire list his people under the heading of Passengers rather than as Radioactive Goods. He thanks you for your gracious understanding of certain incidents involving what the Fedo term ‘hot meals,’ and the effluvia thereof.
In all gratitude and hope, Claudel Montpieter, Professor Emeritus of Xenoarchaeology and Xenolinguistics University of Caille