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EVE Online, Crime Simulator

Author: Joseph Dreadloch

Original post: https://beatsandlevels.blogspot.com/2012/12/eve-online-crime-simulator.html

Entry for the YC114 Pod and Planet Fiction Contest in the A Day in the Life category.

Hi there. Joseph Dreadloch here for EVE Online, the world’s #1 online space crime simulator.

Is your job boring? Do you sit in an office building day in and day out surrounded by people you hate, but are unable to murder because of local, state, governmental,national, and international laws suggesting that you probably shouldn’t? In EVE Online you can kill every single one of them multiple times over with little to no repercussion!

Do you ever see expensive things that belong to others and think to yourself ‘Gee whiz, I wish those expensive things belonged to me instead of that guy!’ Well guess what champ! In EVE Online you can go right ahead and take those things! Maybe you want to kill him first too to teach him not to have such expensive things when you don’t, in EVE Online you can!

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking ‘but JD, this all sounds too good to be true’ so let me break down several of the exciting career choices awaiting you in EVE Online.

First let’s talk about ‘PVE’. Most forms of PVE involve murdering nearly uncountable numbers of ‘NPC’ ships. There are several benefits that come with the unhesitant, wholesale, borderline genocidal slaughter of these NPCs. The first benefit is that you’ll amass a large amount of wealth that you can lord over other players constantly in order to remind them how much better than them you are. The second and most important benefit however, is that murdering only NPCs allows you to take a position of moral superiority over those who participate in PVP. After all you’re only killing fake, fake people in spaceships, not real fake people in spaceships. But there are so many more ways to PVE in EVE Online, let’s break some down!

Mission Running
The EVE Online pilot who is enthusiastic about “mission running” spends his days murdering literally tens of thousands of non descript and relatively defenseless NPCs who have done nothing to provoke the player personally, all in the name of another NPC who sits inside a station all day and tells players to go kill people.

Exploration
Maybe you think mission running is too easy? Well with exploration you get all the fun of wanton NPC slaughter, but with an added thrill of the hunt! That’s right, these NPCs are not only relatively weak, but they’re also hiding from you! As an explorer it’s your job to show the NPCs of New Eden that there’s no place they can hide from your murdery justice!

Manufacturing
Is actually doing things not your style? Do you prefer to keep your hands clean while the plebeians get theirs dirty? Then manufacturing in EVE Online might be for you! You need merely to give the order and thousands of faceless and nameless NPC workers will produce the weapons or ammunition of your choosing for a mere pittance! Once your production is complete you can turn around and sell those lethal commodities for profit, so that other players may purchase and use them to murder others, maybe even you! That’s right folks, in EVE Online you can be a full blown arms dealer!

Now let’s talk about PVP. The main driving force behind EVE Online, PVP is all about murdering other space people. There are countless benefits to murdering other space people so let’s just talk about my personal favorite, hate mail. That’s right folks if you murder someone hard enough they just might send you a mail afterwards letting you know what they think about it! Some may critique your murdering style, faulting you for being a ‘noob’ despite the fact that they’re dead and you’re alive! Some might not even be in your own language, but google translator suggests that he said ‘your sister goat sex with lead paint friend’. The hate mail possibilities are endless! However, where you murder these other players is entirely up to you, and will decide how you are branded by your peers!

Nullsec Wars
Does the thought of serving at the will of another player who has risen to a seat of power through a campaign of trickery or sheer dumb luck excite you? Then Nullsec might be for you! As a member of a nullsec alliance you’ll be called upon to throw your space corpse into the proverbial tank treads of enemy fleets in order to slow their advances so that your glorious space leader may profit from your nullsec resources for a little longer. All hail to our glorious space leader!

Lowsec Piracy
Yaaar! Avast matey! Lowsec piracy is a life of crime and villainy on the high space seas of lowsec! Sail around all day trying to find merchant convoys to raid only to find out that there are none, and that the merchants simply cyno strait to a station or out to Nullsec directly! Instead return home to your port to find other pirates and try to murder them for being in your system. Pirates killing other pirates for the right to sit in the system that a merchant vessel might some day accidentally jump into! That’s piracy right?

Highsec Ganking
Picture this: You’re driving down the highway in your 2002 Dodge Neon and you see a Lamborghini with a beautiful pearlescent paint job pull even with you in the next lane. You immediately think to yourself ‘man that’s a nice car! I want to destroy it and loot the valuables from inside it!’ You slam your Neon into the Lamborghini and he crashes into the guardrail and explodes. The driver staggers away from the wreck, and the ever vigilant authoritarian CONCORD police force surround you and you think ‘oh no I’m screwed!’ To your surprise you hear the police officers yelling ‘GET IT, KILL THAT GUYS CAR! YEAH BLOW HIS CAR UP, THAT’LL TEACH HIM TO ATTEMPT VEHICULAR HOMICIDE.’ Your Dodge Neon lying in ruins now as you walk to the nearest car dealership to purchase another, a friend of yours pulls up in his Ford Explorer and begins filling its ample trunk space with the loot from the Lamborghini that you decided you wanted to murder! Success!

These are just a fraction of the possible career paths open to you in EVE Online, the worlds #1 online space crime simulator. Other career paths not listed include but are not limited to: War profiteering, embezzlement, managing planetary mines and sweatshops, getting lost in wormholes, drug trafficking, theft, fraud, extortion, dying to blobs while attempting to be an honorable solo samurai warrior, racketeering, emulating Vito Corleone while trying to figure out how to type in a new jersey accent and using google translate to send ransom notes in strange languages, and more! As you can see the simulated criminal experience in EVE Online is endless! Head over to EVEOnline.com today to get started.