The Happy Life
Author: Kyle Yanowski
Original post: https://highdrag.wordpress.com/2013/10/18/the-happy-wife/
Entry for the YC115 Pod and Planet Contest in the Other Thing Just Make You Swear and Curse category.
“Greetings Mr. Trudeau. I must say, I have been waiting a long time for this… deal”.
Janer Trudeau, CEO, watched the holo-vid curiously. He heard a soft click indicating that his Chief Financial Officer secretly dialed into the conference.
“I wish I could say the same, Capsuleer.” Janer stated, suppressing a grin. He stared at the unusually disheveled figure before him. Capsuleers were supposed to look…utopian. This one had shaggy hair, dark circled eyes, and a bulging pot belly. Janer also noticed that the capsuleer spoke with a lisp.
“As you know, I have had you in a checkmate for some time,” chortled the Capsuleer. “ Your ability to supply the militia has come to a halt, your workers are on strike, and your board of directors have been… turned. To put it bluntly, you, and your company are mine.”
Janer rolled his eyes. The Trudeau Business empire expanded through hundreds of systems and employed millions of workers. This “green” Capsuleer seemed to be focused on a single sub-corp, on a backwater planet, in a forgotten system. Further more, the board of directors that had been “turned”, were in fact the planet’s janitor consortium. How the Capsuleer could confuse janitors for suits was beyond the CEO. Still, Janer took the call out of curiosity despite how clear it was that this particular Capsuleer, neglected to do his homework.
The Empyrean continued.
“You see, I have been working on this chess match for well over a year…” The Empyrean paused, shifted his gaze to something out of view of the holo-vid recorder, then cleared his throat.
“I have sacrificed everything. My time, my life, my… family…” The Capsuleer’s lisp made a hissing sound as he said the word “family”. Janer could hear something screeching on one of the holo-vid audio bands; he leaned forward, hand extended, in an attempt to cancel out the noise.
“What is it now!”
An incredulous look washed over Janer’s face. He had thought the immortal had been shouting at him, when he noticed that the holo-vid figure’s gaze was focused outside of the projection again. Janer withdrew his hand from the holo-vid panel and strained his eyes in an attempt to see what had diverted the immortal’s attention. His opponent’s eyes returned to the center of the holo-vid.
“Are you ok?” Janer grinned.
“Of course I am. Just. Technical difficulty.” He stated as a matter of fact. “Where were we, ahh yes, I was about to have you sign over you comp…”
Janer Trudeau’s eyes refocused on another shape that began to take form on the holo-vid. At first glance, Janer could only discern what looked like a large spike protruding from just outside of the projection. Upon further inspection, the spike materialized into an archaic rolling pin. It was a rolling pin. Janer watched as a large woman, holding a rolling pin, shambled into the holo-vid view.
“I told you to incinerate the trash!” The woman roared.
The capsuleer, wide eyed, tried desperately to put the holo-vid call on hold. The woman swatted his arm away with the massive, wooden pin.
“Every day, I pick up your disgusting shorts covered in that goop from your flying egg. I tend to your rotten kids, and I cook dinner. All the while, you are on that stupid holo-machine.”
“Holo-vid” muttered the Capsuleer, looking at the floor.
The woman gave him a nasty look. “Whatever it is, you are on that thing all day, every day… If you are not on that holo-machine, then you are in your egg. Why is your egg more important than incinerating the trash, and making your wife happy?”
The Capsuleer tried to answer, mouthing the word “pod” but the woman continued. “Mother was right,” she shouted, waving the rolling pin wildly “You are a lazy… entitled… moron!”
Janer eagerly watched as the woman shouted profanities in the Capsuleer’s direction; profanities that would make Federation Navy Drill Sergeants blush.
The woman abruptly stopped waving her rolling pin.
Completely forgetting what the call was originally about, Janer leaned forward and watched the confrontation. The woman, rolling pin lowered and pointed, took a step toward the Capsuleer.
“Are… You… Wearing… Your pod goo soaked shorts… on… my… new… sofa?!?”
Rolling pin raised, the woman began howling and lunging for the Capsuleer. Janer laughed as the woman swung the utensil. To his credit, the Capsuleer was able to dodge the first two swings but was caught by the third blow. The pin crashed into the Empyrean’s temple and sent him flying over the fluid soaked sofa.
The Capsuleer tried desperately to calm the woman down, but the blows continued to reign. She turned her attention to the holo-vid.
“You ruined my sofa, I’ll ruin your holo-machine!”
In a surprisingly swift movement, the woman leapt over the sofa and began hacking at the holo-vid controls. Each blow caused the holovid image to distort, until the Capsuleer wrenched her away from the controls.
The woman spun around and pointed the rolling pin at her Empyrean husband.
“You will incinerate the trash this instant, or I will invite my mother over for a week!” The large woman shouted.
The defeated Capsuleer sagged his shoulders and nodded his head in compliance. The woman slowly turned and waddled toward the holo-vid. She squinted as she stared into the image of Janus Trudeau.
“You must be my husband’s little friend” the woman huffed. Before Janer could respond, the woman raised the rolling pin above her head, and with two hands, brought the club down on the innards of the holovid, severing the connection.
Janer blinked. He leaned back in his chair and tried to let his brain wrap around the charade he had just witnessed. He blinked again and began to roll into a hearty laugh.
He stood up, wiping away a tear of laughter from his eye, and walked over to his desk. He tapped an intercom button.
“Hi honey!” said a female voice.
“Did my beautiful Chief Financial Officer see the entire holo-vid?” Janer queried, still chuckling.
“Yes dear, I did. You know I like to spy on you,” cooed Mrs. Trudeau, “Should I be worried about this Capsuleer?”
“No, not really. I think he will be focusing his attention elsewhere, at least for a while.” Janer replied with a smile.
“Well then, maybe we can put all of this business behind us… and go home early?”
“Sure. Why not.”
“You know honey, there is an old saying about times like this… Happy Wife…”
“…Happy life,” Janer smiled.