The League

Author: General Stargazer

Original post: https://forums.eveonline.com/t/pod-planet-contest-submission-the-league/36291

Entry for the YC119 Pod and Planet Fiction Contest in the Other Things Just Make You Swear and Curse and the Very Short Fiction subcategory.

“Establishing yourself in a universe full of wickedness and immorality was proving to be a more difficult task than initially expected”, Cali thought to herself as she swiveled round in her medical bed. She looked around and checked the surroundings; Transfer to her secret headquarters, Mirador, inside a hollowed out asteroid in orbit of a shattered planet, was successful. Her most recent attempt at opening a line of communications hadn’t quite worked out as well as she hoped. She leaned forward, placing a hand on a holographic panel and issued a verbal command:

“Activate”

She paused; the stations’ computer, an administrative modified version of Aura, whirred into life and responded in a familiar voice:

“Authorisation confirmed, Welcome back Dr. Cali. I take it by your sudden return that the Drifters were thrilled to have you?”

Cali wasn’t really a Doctor, she’d given herself the title after creating her first ‘Doomsday Device’ in an attempt to sound more despicable, but every time she heard it after each clone activation, she’d wished she really was one. She brought her hands up to head, still thumping from the activation of her latest clone in an attempt to dull the throbbing pain and responded:

“If by thrilled to have me, you mean, to literally have me, I’m sure they were. At this point, it’s like feeding the ducks down at the local pond everytime they see me. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a Drifter out there that is literally using one of the arms and legs it has cost me to maintain these missions. You’d think they’d be eager to communicate with the leader of the Drifter cult in New Eden”

What Cali had failed to express at this point is that this ‘Drifter Cult’ was comprised entirely and exclusively of a single, albeit determined, capsuleer, her.

Aura responded “Based DED Medical Report 6608491108, that would appear unlikely. All Drifters have appeared to be uniform in height at 177cm high, which would put average leg length at 80cm. Dr Cali’s legs based on the most recent medical scan are 68cm and we are yet to encounter any Drifter children”

“Hey!” Cali interjects “Let’s drop that Sass you rating down to 60%. Every time I wake up, look around and see these monitors I’m reminded they are longer than my legs, less of that you!”

Aura just tones to the acknowledge change in the setting.

Cali hops down from the bed and patters across the room and slowly begins getting dressed. She issues a new verbal command:

“Aura, commence recording new personal Log; Stardate YC119-09-17”

Aura tones again.

"Attempt number 1160911 to communicate with the Drifter hierarchy has ultimately ended in failure. They continue to ignore any attempts of any visual or auditory stimulus that seems to defer from their core baseline programming.

Given their dissection of Jovian observatories across the cluster and their hand in the recent ‘Can of Spammification’ to the Amarrian empress, I believe they may engage with those they deem worthy. I believe I must elevate my status in the universe. I need better representation. Sansha Klaus, Charlies Angels, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemenkind, hell, even the Angry Concord Guys, these are all household Supervillian names now. My meeting with a new agent went well yesterday and I should be hearing imminently actually about my newest venture."

Cali’s Neocom was already pulsing with a dull white light notifying her of a new message. She grabbed the pad and scrolled past the backlog of pending SCC Stratios insurance notifications to the latest update. A new message from a “Captain Washburne”

"Greetings Dr. Cali, thank you for your application. I am pleased to say that your application into LoTAINES has been processed and we would like to formally accept your request. Please be aware that for security, all previous names are left behind upon entry, from henceforth you will be known as Dr. Dynamite. As you are aware, the new job does come with a few perks, so we have despatched your new henchman Stevie and an army of evil dentists are en-route to assist you in whatever minioning you require.

Thank you for your application and welcome to the League of Totally Awesome Independent New Eden Supervillans.”

Cali, now fully dressed, places the pad down on the table, exiting the medical bay, the last thing audible is the echoing maniacal laughter as she walks down the corridor.

“Sooooon”